The Way I Used to Be by Amber Smith

4.5/5 stars

**This part will not include spoilers**

Please note this book discusses sensitive topics such as SA!

This book is a young adult about a young girl, Eden, dealing with the aftermath of sexual assualt. The book starts off when she is 14 years old going into high school and ends when she is 17, in her senior year. Throughout the book, we see Eden struggle with self-sabotage, relationships, and the grief of her innocence.

Overall, this book was absolutely heartbreaking. I feel for Eden and what happened to her but her actions were so frustrating at times. She would lie and be extremely cruel to the people who were only trying to understand her, it was very sad. With that said, this story is so real and uncomfortable and needs to be shared. Oh, and the chapters were short so that's a bonus!

**This part will inclued spoilers so please do not read if you have not read the book**

Let me tell you this, my heart is broken. From the first chapter, heartbroken. I can't get over the fact that if her mom would have just asked her what happened or took a moment to let Eden speak for one second, Eden's whole life would have been completely different. Then, she couldn't even sleep in her own bed for 3 years and no one noticed or cared to ask why?? Like, what?!?! And Eden was 14 years old when she was assualted by her brothers best friend, who's in college, and it's just sickening.

I think this really strained Eden's relationship with her family. Her mom always made her feel second best to her brother, her dad didn't have that much of an impact at all and then she distanced herself from her brother so much since he was away at college and Kevin was his best friend. Eden definitely felt like how could my parents allow him to stay here and how could my brother be best friends with him. Even at the end when it cam out that Kevin had assualted his girlfriend, we see Eden questioning her brother as to why he didn't believe the girl. But, the ending really made up for this when Eden finally told her brother and he believed her, no questions asked and took her to the police station to make a statement.

Now, let's get into Eden's relationship with Mara, her best friend. This relationship was always back-and-forth. One minute they were good and the next they were not, until the end of the book when Eden really hurts Mara's other friend, Steve. I don't know, I guess I didn't hate their moments together but I felt bad for Mara a lot because Eden was so quick to judge her and be rude to Mara's boyfriend and friend. However, Mara did have her bad moments too, for instance, she forgot Eden's birthday. Then again, the chapters with Mara were also good because we get to see Eden relax a bit more and have some fun.

Then we have Eden's first "boyfriend," Josh, and I say "boyfriend" because while they were seeing each other, they we not techinically dating. Eden was very skepitical of Josh at first because he was the first boy who was interested her and he came into her life after her assault. He was so kind to her and let Eden just be her but she would be so mean to him and lie constantly. Like, she even lied about her middle name! They did get super close though and I really loved them together, but it all came crashing down when he found out her true age and she locked it in when she told him that she never cared about him. Time goes on without either character getting closure from one another until the very end when Eden calls him and he's literally the first person she tells her story to! He supports her and it was just such a great way to wrap up that relationship because throughout the book she mentions him and thinks about him.

The last thing I really want to talk about is the way Eden was coping with her trauma. She was mean and cruel to everyone. She was drinking, smoking, partying, and sleeping with older guys. Her behavior was so damaging! It made me very frustrated at times because it was constant! Her self-destructive behaviors just kept going and I understand she was dealing with trauma but that doesn't excuse poor behavior. For example, Mara wanted Eden to go out with Steve, Mara's boyfriend's friend, and Eden didn't want to. While I believe Mara shouldn't have pushed, Eden should have made it very clear to Steve that she thought of him as a friend only. Instead, she got caught leaving him alone at a party to sleep with some other guy, then when she went to his house to apoloize for calling him all these names, she started kissing him and leading him on. When he begins to tell her how pretty she is, she freaks out on him, calls him names, and storms out. It was just so mean and unnecessary.

The Vacation by M.M. Chouinard

4.5/5 stars

**This part will not include spoilers**

Please note this book discusses sensitive topics such as grief!

This book is a mystery, thriller about a three families vacationing together in Jamaica. While there, one of the couple's three year old goes missing and while they are uncovering what happened, they also uncover many dark secrets about each other.

Personally, I really enjoyed this book and I believe the pacing was very good. It was fast enough to keep me engaged yet not too fast where the book kinda runs out of story before the actual. This book also jumps between what the characters are currently going through and a few days before Lily goes missing. Usually I don't like when books time jump because I find it to be confusing but this book did a very nice job in making it clear what timeframe we were in. Due to the time jumps, the book had multiple storylines running simulaneously but they all fit together nicely in the end, so I didn't mind that aspect either when, usually, something like that would bother me. I sympathized with all of the women in the story and I could truely feel their struggle, but all of them had their flaws and had moments where I questioned their motives. Although it made me feel a bit uneasy, it made these characters feel real, which I really enjoyed. However, the men were trash! I did not care for any of the husbands in the story, and we can get into that a bit later as my reasons will include spoilers. Anywho, I think their approach to figure out where the little girl went was interesting as well, especially because it really showcases how Americans believe we are the most important even in a country that isn't our own.

This book truely kept me guessing and everytime I thought I figured out the mystery, another plot twist came along and threw my theory out the window.

**This part will inclued spoilers so please do not read if you have not read the book**

Ok so this book was actually so insane and I cannot get over it!

Let's talk about the women first because I loved them! Rose, the mother of Lily, was literally THAT GIRL. She was so determined in finding her daughter and I felt so bad when the press got ahold of her past trauma of her sister drowning while she was supposed to be watching her. It came out that Rose couldn't remember what really happened to her sister and everyone kind of insinuates that she did it but since they have no clear-cut evidence, she was never charged or anything. And then they tried to blame Lily's murder on her because she "couldn't remember!" Oh hell no. I knew my girl Rose would never. Be what she may be, she would never hurt her children. Also, the whole storyline where Brandon cheated on her and then she slept with Mateo, his best friend, to get back at him was crazy! This created some internal struggle with Rose because Mateo is married to her best friend and by sleeping with him, she also betrayed her friend. Then to throw in that Lily is actually Mateo's child!! Crazy!

Now, Brianna. Brianna is Rose's sister-in-law and Brandon's stepsister. So, Brianna and Brandon have a weird relationship because his father always favored Brianna and left his entire fortune to her even though she isn't biologically his daughter. Brandon is obviously not over this and will make backhanded comments towards Brianna and her husband, Leo. Brianna also suffered through trauma of her own, she wanted children so bad but miscarriage after miscarriage left her brokenhearted and broke. With this, Brianna felt jealously towards Rose because she knew Rose never wanted children yet she'd been blessed with them anyways. This created a strange dynamic between these two and led to a lot of unsettling moments. Eventually Brianna learns that Rose didn't want children because of what happened with her sister and with Lily's disappearence, she begins to see how much Rose truly loves her children. At the end of the book, they end up living together and helping each other, which I felt was a really nice way to wrap up their feud. The only thing I didn't like was that she had given Leo the idea to kidnap Lily for ransom. Like girl, why? I know y'all were broke but damn.

Anabelle. Anabelle was honestly so lovely and she really was the character trying to keep the peace between everyone. After discovering Lily was actually Mateo's daughter, she did nothing, just kept her silence and hurt internal and that made me so sad for her. She also seemed very intune with Brianna and Rose's emotional rift because she always knew how to cheer them up or at least tried to bring them more together. Overall, her character wasn't a major plot point but more just emotional support throughout the story.

Let's get into the men, first up, Brandon. Brandon is Rose's husband and throughout the book he dismisses Rose's concerns about Jamacia and her anxieties overall. Just a horrible husband and then it came out that he cheated on her in the past! Then, he had this weird jealously of his stepsister, Brianna, because his dad loved her more and gave her all the inherenct and that made him act so rude to her and her husband since they were out of money and had asked him to invest in this farm. This jealously really shined through when he found out that Lily was actually Mateo's daughter because when he went to check on them the night of her "disappearence," Lily was crying and ended up waking her little brother, his actual child. Instead of tending to both children he screamed at Lily while trying to calm Jackson down and, eventually, ended up breaking her neck. He covered it up by staging a kidnapping and when the group found out, he blackmailed everyone into silence. Upon their return to the US, he tried to get Rose taken to a psychward, luckily, Rose recorded his confession and sent it over to the police already. Overall, he was just terrible and so manipulative.

Leo, Brianna's husband, was so good until the end where it came out that he set up Lily's kidnapping for ransom. Yes, that kidnapping was never carried out and they were needing money after all those failed fertitly treatments but still, weird. Other than that, I didn't really have an issue with him. He was kinda just there to guide them around.

Ok Mateo, Anabelle's husband. I have mixed feelings on this man because he was funny but he cheated on Anabelle and then tried to make a move on Rose again! And at the beginning of the book, Anabelle wanted to go back to work and he told her no because she needed to be home with their boys. I also felt so bad for him when he found out Lily was actually his daughter because he seemed genuine about loving her but not wanting Anabelle to be hurt.